The Edge of Every Day by Marin Sardy

Author:Marin Sardy
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2019-05-20T16:00:00+00:00

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My twelfth year, the third year of my mother’s illness, was an in-between time in my family’s understanding of our loss, when the initial shock had worn off but we did not yet recognize the change as permanent. For me it was a time of knowing what was happening and yet being unable to consider that it might keep happening indefinitely.

I have only a handful of memories of that year. Moments at my father’s house. Moments at school. Moments in the park across the street and at the house of a friend who lived nearby. But the interior of the house my mother rented—she only lived in it that one year—escapes me utterly. I have tried and tried to conjure an image, at least, of my own bedroom, but nothing comes.

I can’t know what happened in my missing year, but I suspect it was fairly prosaic: that my mother had a terrible illness and I had to witness it, and witness it, and witness it. Loss to mental illness is a particular thing. For the first few years everything about it read like a dead language turned upside down. My siblings and I couldn’t yet see patterns in the strange, imperfect logic of psychosis. Life with my mother was a complicated blend of sense and nonsense. I believe what my gaps hide are innumerable small comments, gestures, and expressions that collectively betrayed this truth.

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